Family dinner is a cultural norm that most families in the U.S. strive for; it’s a goal that has endured for decades. Just think of an episode of “Leave It to Beaver” with June and Ward Cleaver and their two sons sitting around a table set with fine China and a white tablecloth, discussing the day and eating a healthy meal.
There are clear data that shows most families in the U.S. still stive for regular family dinners. And yet there is growing evidence that specific aspects of modern society make it difficult for families to achieve this goal—especially for low-income families, in which schedules and limited resources may interfere with family meals.
“The draw to family mealtime is togetherness and a time to connect with our kids. Sometimes our ideals don’t match our reality and we, as parents, can feel guilty about that,” said Laura Bellows, associate professor in the Division of Nutritional Sciences at Cornell University, whose research focuses on the development of eating habits and physical activity patterns in early childhood, especially in low-income and minority families. “We are all striving to do our best and sometimes we have to let go of perfection.”
In one study, Bellows and her colleagues examined parents’ ideals for family dinner and then compared this image with what actually happens at family mealtimes by conducting focus groups with rural families of young children.
The study found most parents have similar goals for family mealtimes: being together as a family, everyone remaining calm, and children eating the same healthy food as the adults. But participants reported numerous barriers to making this goal a reality.
Many parents worked jobs with unpredictable schedules or evening shifts that prevented family dinners. Parents reported that mealtimes with preschool-aged children were a challenge due to typically disruptive behaviors such as refusing to sit down and eat. Parents also said that snacking after school meant that children often weren’t hungry at dinner time. And participants commented on how their own poor food choices—such as eating sweets or refusing the served vegetable—had a negative impact on their children’s choices.
Parents were able to develop some strategies to cope with these challenges. Some implemented flexible meal times to accommodate their work schedules. They found involving kids in meal planning and preparation encouraged them to sit and eat. Positive role-modeling by parents helped picky eaters to try new foods.
A second study involving interviews with 30 caregivers of preschoolers yielded similar findings: parents valued everyone sitting down to eat the same food, in the same place, at the same time. They valued everyone being together and aimed for pleasant dinner conversation. But participants reported similar challenges to making family dinner happen, including work schedules, children’s behavior, and just feeling “worn out” at the end of the day. Parents said they felt satisfied and accomplished when children tried new foods or enjoyed what was served for dinner, and they felt sad or “like a failure” when family dinner did not meet their expectations.
One solution to the dilemma of family dinners with young children may be for parents to adopt more age-appropriate expectations for mealtimes, Bellows explained.
“It’s important for parents to set the stage for success,” she said. “This means providing appropriate portion sizes, not overwhelming kids with mountains of food; setting expectations, like sitting on their bottom at the table; and being realistic, allowing for minor etiquette slip-ups.
“Children are exploring food when they are young. They are using their senses to explore the smell, taste, and texture of foods. We encourage children to ‘play’ or explore their food so they become familiar with it and, ultimately, willing to try new foods. Parents can engage children in conversation about the characteristics of the foods and this becomes not only a learning opportunity but keeps them focused at mealtime.”
Bellows offered some other tips as well. “Having family meals three times a week is better than none,” she said. “What other ways can families get that ‘together time?’ Maybe it’s playing a game before bedtime or taking a walk to explore the neighborhood. Having a positive interaction with your child is what is important, and while mealtimes offer us an opportunity for us to do that, it can be challenging!”
The take-home message: While most parents value the idea of a family dinner, work schedules, children’s behavior, and parents’ energy levels often made it difficult for young families to achieve their goals for a family dinner. As mentioned, there are strategies that parents can try, including involving children in food planning and preparation, and positive role-modeling dinner table behavior.
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